Fasting...6 more pounds to go.

I was finally successful in fasting all day Monday. I did pretty good today too. I had 4 wasabi crackers= 30 cal. 3 cups of black coffee=15 cals. Egg whites with cheese-100 cals. Toal of 145 calories for the day. I need to stay within 200 calories til Saturaday. Gym for an hour and a half-burned 500 calories. I am trying to fast tomorrow too. I need to look skinny skinny Friday for Halloween, so I can look like cracked out Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. I am 126 now, FML. Next goal is 120. 6 more pounds, 6 more pounds!!! Stay Strong X0

Monday again.

Today is Monday. I've been eating like a fat a person. I am fasting today. I got a new stock of addies. I'll be good.

Food makes me physically ill.

So its 5 am. I have class at 8 am. FML. I have so much on my mind right now I can't even sleep. Ya my stomach is growling a little bit since all I had was oatmeal, just like 3 or 4 spoonfuls,since I really don't like oatmeal. Then I just had two cups of coffee and one cup of skim milk and then just selzter and water. I decided the only way I can reach my goal is if I really just stop eating. I really hate food. I am never going to be as hot as I want to be if I continue eating the way I use to. I want to be 115. I want to be disgustingly skinny that every part of my body is super skinny like my face, my back bones and spine need to be more visible and of course my thighs need to get like 10x smaller so that I can have the space in between them. I decided I just need to be obsessed with not eating anything and going to the gym. Instead of giving myself of month, like I said Nov 18 to reach 120, I have a powder puff football game nov 6 which is in 3 weeks so I will give myself til then to be 120, which I think is completely possible since I am 6 or so pounds away from that. By Nov 18, I should be 115. That is model thin. So hopefully I can continue not eating today. I am having a cup of coffee and a cig at 730 am before class and then hopefully just drinking water and red bull. I'll let you know if I eat anything, but if I get really hungry maybe fake eating will work instead of actual eating. goodnight.stay strong, ingnore the stomach growling and listen to Ana's voice! The hunger pain just means I am closer to my goal. Behind everything BEAUTIFUL, there is some kind of PAIN.

Behind everything beautiful, there is some kind of pain.

I gained 4 pounds back. Just to prove when I ignore ana, I fuck up big time. I was doing so good, and ignoring the stomach growling and the pain in my body from 3 days of no sleep, because I took too much adderall. I officially ran out of adderall, so all I have now is my willpower and ANA.  So basically this week will prove how strong or how weak I am.  I made a goal to be 120 by nov.18, so now I need to get back to 124 then 120, ughhhh. It will happen. Believe in ANA. Stay Strong XO

All I see is thin people.

So I'm officially back on track.  All I ate yesterday was a slice of whole wheat and tablespoon of peanut butter-290 cals, pb has way too many cals and fat but good protein that held me over for the day. This morning my stomach was growling so bad, so I went into my bag of shredded low fat cheese, then to realize it was moldy..gross. So I spit that out.  Just had a cup of coffee/skim milk/equal-15 cals.  I think I'll just have diet coke for the rest of the day, my stomach is growling, but I need to look super skinny tom. for my date :) I might have soup broth, if I get really light headed, since i have a test at 5. We'll see how this goes..

I'm extra motivated because my guy friend told me last night that I look really good and it looks like I lost weight from last year, hes like" you were hot before, but your a lot skinner so that makes you hotter". He's the first guy to notice, so I love that. Aka the thinner I get, the hotter I will be. On top of that for motivation, all the girls at my school are seriously ano. I am so jealous of how skinny some of these girls legs are, not fair! But thats even more motivation to reach my goal...We'll see how this goes...Stay Strong X0

Follow.This.

where's my self-control...

Goal :120

fasting today, no calories, just coffee and cigs!

I'm not there yet, but I am closer than yesterday :)

It's gonna be long way to happy...

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to keep on going...

So I am doing better. Last night I fake ate for dinner, since I was extremely hungry, I bought a chicken buffalo wrap and c & s, so proud of myself! If I actually ate that I would have felt gross and I am starting to enjoy the feeling of not eating again, yay! I also was at the gym and flipping through US weekly mag and came across Stephanie Pratt from the hills, who apparently suffered from an eating disorder and no not anorexia or bulimia, but yes fake eating! Well before the bulimia, she fake ate, apparently its the thing to do in L.A. I remember from that episode of SATC, where the guy goes to Cali and loses like 50 pounds cause he fake eats, because all the actors do it.  Loves it and so glad my ana buddy introduced it to me. So total of calories consumed yesterday.. 

coffee with skim milk & equal-25 cals? I try to put as little milk as possible, so I want to say 5 cals for coffee and a cup of fat free milk- 90 cals/ 5=18, so I round to like 25 not bad, but starting today I am only drinking plain black coffee with equal-5 cals!

cup of oj-120

eggwhites with cheese(small portion/ 3 or 4 bites)-90 cals

gum=5 x 5=25 cals

Fake eat+chicken wrap=? 100

2 cup of milk=90x 2=180

* well that was the end for yesterday and since I fake ate, hopefully I stayed under 500 cals and I burned like 400 cals at the gym.

Today 10/ 1:

1 cup of black coffee-5 cals

then I had 2 more small cups of coffee and I've been drinking lots of water and lemon water!

I have my gum and I am going to have a cig now, cause my stomach is growling...I hope I don't eat anything today! lets see... Need to write a paper now due at 7 and I need to make it to the gym and I've been doing pushups every 2 hours or so!