You're Not Strong...

You're Not Pretty

You're NOT Brave

You're have no friends

You have NO love

All you have is FAT

I'm doing horrible...I went to the gym yesterday and I tried to fast but then I just binged at the end. Now I need to be harder on myself! Its harder at college, cause at home, I am alone and I am closer to my ana buddy, Mandy and I just can distract myself from eating. Here its different, my roomies are always making cupcakes or brownies ughh. I try to clean here but it doesn't help, that was one of the best ana advice to clean something really gross like bathroom when you feel like eating, at home I clean my after my dog and everything so that helps, but here not much to clean, maybe I should be a super freak ocd person and clean my room everyday. I should I could organize my room/ my life. Ana helps with that, helps me prioritize my life, I feel like once I am skinny everything will fall into place. 

So hmm how am I doing today- coffee with tsp skim milk/ 2 equals, then I made egg whites with low fat shredded cheese, it says its 45 cals for the 2 tsp cheese, i barely but that much and I only had like maybe 3 table spoons of egg white mix so it was really small portion.  I really need to stay strong and not eat anything else.  Maybe some plain lettuce later and I need need to go to the gym. I also need to start drinking more water with lemon juice since that really helped me this summer.  I am adding to my ana wall, when I was drunk this weekend and my guy friend came to stay over I had to rip most of the stuff down, cause thats kind of embarrasing.  I'm starting over again.  At least I lost 10 pounds from this summer, which means I can lose ten more :) I'm not weighing myself til I fast and back on track to my ana plan.  I know I am strong and can do this and I just need to be harder on myself. I need you Ana! Cause there are days when I'm okay and I'm good and I stay strong...But there are days when I'm not okay and I need your help, together we can make it through another day! Stay Strong X0

"What I wanted then && what I want now are two different things" Not stopping til I'm there

So it's been awhile...I slacked off with ana, so I felt guilty updating.  I feel like everytime the weekend comes, all goes to hell and bottles of wine, weed and patron can really make it hard to hear ana's voice. I feel like I can start over on Mondays. I've been alright today, one slice of whole with peanut butter=who knows how many calories.. too many. I realize when I'm tired I make bad food choices, I should have  had egg whites but too sleepy to cook. I was so mad cause I took a 10mg of addie but didnt work maybe just for two hours then I was hungry so I took another 10 mg and then I just had a cup of milk. I went to the gym, thank god, hadn't been there in like 4 days so bad!  I need to get serious. After the gym I made a salad with grilled chicken and tomatoes and baby greens and I just took maybe like 15 mg of addie cause I want to do some work tonight.  Something interesting happened today, I was looking at new pictures of my ex and his trashy girlfriend and almost felt so bad, like I use to feel a year ago. I use to revolve my whole life over this boy and when I think about all the time and money, lots of money I wasted on him and friends I lost and classes I failed and fights I got into with my parents and everyone over him, I get so so mad. I use to drink last year all the time after we broke up, like really bad like in the morning before class or before anything cause I couldnt function cause if I would let myself think, I would just cry. Thank God, I finally felt normal again in May after a year of not seeing him. But I really started caring about myself and not him or anyone else , recently when I found ana<3 She makes me remember that I am the most important person in the world.  I am so thankful for that, cause I couldn't see that until now.  I haven't weighed myself since last week when I was 126-128? Which is good, I am getting closer to my goal of 120, which I need to get to quickly. Since I havent been taking this serious enough, I am doing anything to get super skinny, probably less than 120, since I always look skinny from my stomach and arms, but I hate HATE my thighs, and legs...I should have model legs, where my thighs don't touch and its partly genetic cause of my mom, who was like 100 pounds but she 5'3 til she gave birth but even at 100 pounds she was soo skinny, yet her things were not perfect, i hate that! I need to get closer to perfection and I'm not using any excuses this week. I'm going to try to fast tommorrow, just coffee and water and no more then 300 cals, so that I can burn off some of the calories I've consumed at the gym.  I need to start my reading and catch up on it, before my addie wears off. I love this feeling-jittery and happy and I love cigs on addies so I am going to have one before I start work.  I am ending this post with an inspirational quote :) I really like the one" what I loved then, and what I love now, are two different things', but I changed it to "what I wanted then, and what I wanted now are so different", because I just realized this week, I use to be this insecure girl who cared about other people before myself. But now all I want is to be thin, to be happy.  It's the only thing I can control in my life and I will!X0 stay strong

I live to be model thin

soo this is my first blog post... hmm so I just weighed myself this morning and I'm 127, lost two pounds since Monday, which makes me so happy. Its like the only thing that can make me happy these days...to see the scale get closer to 120, closer to thin. I had a really bad weekend. I ate hot pockets, choclate cake and even a foot long from seven eleven, plus all the amount of grain alcohol-beer & vodka...ugh.  But I'm determined to be so strong this week, I had to fast on tuesday to shrink the size of my stomach, you know how if you eat a lot one day the next day you feel you have to eat just as much to be satisfied. So thank God I fasted and then yesterday all I ate was baby greens with left over salmon(healthy fat/no carbs).  I am so happy I was able to get addies from my friend, which will really help me with school & not eating! I made egg whites this morning (30 cals) I had two or three bites before I just took an addie so it wouldn't upset my stomach, even though I would just have been fine with two cups of black coffee, this time i put a tsp of skim milk and used equal (o cals). I had been using organic sugar but organic doesn't always mean less cal since its 15 cals per tsp and I usually put 2, so I decided I'll get a jar and put equal that I will take from school diner, because equal is so fuckin expensive, like 8 dollars for 100 of them lol and sweet and low is not my thing. I feel the addie kicking in and I think I am taking the other half cause I don't want to eat anything today. I have half a pack of malboro lights to hold me through.  I will try to go to gym tonight, after the addie begin to wear off so I don't feel like I'm having a heart attack on the treadmill. ok bye for now. I'll check in later. Stay Strong x0